We make a decision every single moment. Send/Delete. Ask/Don't ask. Walk/Don't walk. Speak/Remain silent. Eat the cake/Don't eat the cake. Taste test arugula/Don't taste test arugula. Go for one more monkey lap/Wimp out. Sit, or stand, but don't wobble.
Here's my general morning rundown: "Should I hit snooze? What will I risk if I do, or don't? I'm too tired to think about this."
*Button press
"Oh crap, I shouldn't have hit snooze!"
"What should I wear? Is it Wednesday? Do I have something happening today, in which I should look fancy... fancier... some what more presentable than a day in which I sit in a room by myself? Is it Friday? Sure, this'll do."
"Should I feed the animals, or make my coffee first? Should I drink this coffee, or wait a few minutes so it doesn't sear my tongue? Should I water the plants? Is it going to rain? Do I have time to check the weather? I shouldn't be checking Facebook now. I opened this stupid device to check the weather. Okay, great it's going to rain. Should I close the window? Should I have picked a long sleeve shirt? What if the forecast is wrong? Crap! This outfit doesn't match at all now. Hair up? Hair down? I have to go. Keys? Check."
"Wait, I forgot to feed the cats. Did I lock the door? Also, my coffee is still on the counter, so... I guess I have time to turn around. Plus, this long sleeve shirt is really hot, and I should probably change. What will happen if I'm late? Forget it."
*Turn around.
These decisions are small, menial, insignificant, and as long as in some randomized order coffee is made, cats are fed, snooze is averted (enough), clothes are on, plants are moisturized, and at some point resembling "on time" I'm on the road, all is well -- easy peasy.
In this case, there's time to sit, stand, and even wobble.
Generally, we find more of a gray space in decision making, though, don't we? It's a bit blurrier when something is actually at stake; it's tougher. The order matters. The results differ. The cause and effect can quickly spiral into something unintentional. Signals may get picked up by the wrong pigeon, and misdelivered. Fear of choosing the doom door freezes us to our seat, and we can't stand. When we do, we start to pace. It's really weird in the gray area.
I imagine it looks something like neurons firing in every direction at once, madly scouring for that perfect moment from the past where the answer sits, waiting. There has to be something back there -- a red alert, a breaking news light, a talking raven, an episode of Ed, a shred of evidence, a regretful misstep, or a success story -- to glean information from, interpret, and send back in the form of an action plan. This,"Ah-ha," this "voila!" is what, in the end flips the switch from black to white, so that with confidence you can say, "Because of this or that, this is the solution... or that."
It turns out the gray area is not gray at all. It's actually wild with color. It's every color all at once. It's paint splatter, and alphabet soup, and gasoline, and sparklers, and sprinklers hitting you in the face. That's why you can only stay in it for so long, right? It's too wacky in there; it's too intense. It's like a rave (or so, I imagine). It's like Animaniacs dancing in your brain wacking you with TNT hammers.
Don't linger in the gray area. Sit, or stand. Don't wobble.
The thing about making a decision is you actually don't know if you made the right one until it's already done. You just have to make the best call you can at the time; pull the cord, jump, cross your fingers, and hope. If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. The answer is already there. The question, is the answer. Pick a path, any path. Choose your own adventure. Catch a train. Pop the bubble wrap. Do something... anything!
In 1999 I had a big mental drama about where to go to college -- stay close, or go far away. Study film? Study zoology? I pro/conned. I wrote an entire essay about "change" for a class assignment. (I'd like to dig that up). I asked everyone what I should do. Then, I left it to fate. I applied wherever I felt like, and I waited. In retrospect, I should've applied to more film schools. That's hindsight for you, sneaking up and poking you for being so dense. I digress.That's a completely different story.
Ultimately, I went to DU. I stayed close, and I studied film. The first couple of months were awful. I was certain it was a mistake. I'm a stickler for sticking it out, though, so I sat. I sat, and then one night I stood up and went out with some kids from class, and at the end of that quarter, I had two new friends. Two new friends, who still stand at my side 15 years later. (Okay, okay... so I already knew John from week one, but that's my Katy story, and I'm sticking to it). We met a soon-to-be college student a few weeks ago, who upon hearing how long we've been friends said, "Wow! I hope that happens to me." I hope it does.
I hope you all sit, until you can stand. I hope you pick a path, any path, and walk down it. Run, if you want. Do whatever you want really. Reach up and touch the leaves on the trees, look up at the clouds, jump over the sidewalk cracks, blast Paul Oakenfold's "Starry Eyed Surprise," and bob your head. No one is watching you. No one else is there. This is your path.
In the year 2000 I didn't know if I'd made the right decision, but I'd made one. I pulled the cord, and jumped, and in 2015, I wouldn't trade that decision for anything in the world. If Northwestern had said, "Okay!" I would've boarded a plane for Chicago. I would probably be sitting in an L.A. diner with one of my NHSI buddies, or maybe we would have lost touch during year one. There would be no Katy. There would be no John. There would be no Cindy. There would be no Ben. There would be no... Holy crap! I can't even go on with this, because it starts to get all Twilight Zone-esque.
*Exit the wormhole
The point is, we don't know. We don't know, and it doesn't matter. Whatever happened, happened. Whatever didn't happen, didn't. That's the way it works. You make a choice. You take the path. You listen to the universe if it talks to you. You listen to yourself if it doesn't.
There's not much time to waste in the gray area. There's no wobble. It's black and white. You make the best choice you can possibly make at the time, and then you jump. Type/Delete. Ask/Don't ask. Walk/Don't walk. Speak/Remain silent. Eat the cake/Don't eat the cake. Taste test arugula/Don't taste test arugula. Go for one more monkey lap/Wimp out. Sit, or stand.
Seriously, though... I shouldn't have hit snooze!
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