Poems, from the past, to start -- If the Robots were Nart, then this is Art

I went to a poetry reading tonight, and something about it inspired me to share some of the poems I wrote in another time, and another place. A few of them made it as far as a class of about fifteen other students in college, but most of them have never seen the light of day. Some, I hold dear, and think of often. Others, I'd completely forgotten I'd written. Most of these, oddly enough, seem to be about art, inspiration, time, change, and a sense of self. They seem more timeless than any poems I have cached away about a particular person or time period. I think today, I love them best. I hope you'll enjoy at least one or two as well.

Damn Clock

Clock jammed at 2 ‘til 5

Clicking second hand

Stuck in time

I typed a poem, an essay, a romance

At 2 ‘til 5

inspiration struck time

An hour, a day, a year goes by

Still stuck in place

At 2 ‘til 5

I found my salvation, my hope, my mind

At 2 ‘til 5

My life flew by

Not a minute elapses

Stripped of all rhyme

Marked by the moment at 2 ‘til 5

So it is

and so it is..

the story goes

that in the end

you’ll learn the truth

about how

and why

the story is

the way it is

and why

and how

you learn the truth

and to what end

the story goes

so

it is.

7-20-05

The Center of Art

If art was my palette

It’d be hard to recognize

With the constant buzzing

Of five dozen flies

Where is the center

Of all that is right

And what can be created

From empty and still

If there was an answer

Hidden on canvas

Would it jump out

To announce its full presence?

Who shot the footage

Right out of the film

Cut up in pieces

Not even patch work could mend

So much racket

Builds up in the mind

And nothing is clearer

Than missing jigsaw rinds

Corner pieces

Built from cardboard

Give soft blues and greys

A chance to look new

But there is no answer in color

Or bees

And when all is spliced together

The middle is just a measurement

Not art

Or

relief

Untitled

Deflated.

breathing out recklessly,

sucking for more air,

grasping what little’s left

but the pin-prick,

the calamitous black hole

lets in breath

only to deflate

More

And then

More

Elated.

for a moment

by a sudden sense of hobby

a simple grasp of meaning

in the tunnel of never end

but it is too dark

to see for long

the air is black and thin

and elated

is faded

more

and then

more.

Jaded.

Clippings of what was,

smiles of once upon

a time when all was known

contaminated with questions,

grasping for

a straw of chance

that something is still there,

while bent corners

And colors exposed to air

make hope

jaded

more

and then

more.

7-20-05

Halfway Home

A heart divided

No wall hanging to mark home

Places marked by histories

Generations old

Faces with names

And streets that you know

All roads lead somewhere

But not all can lead home

One road is future

And one road is past

Combined for the same effort

Leaves dislocation and expensive gas

Sometime in April 2004

Disguising Change

Spackle.
Cover up the hole. Call it good.
Eat pizza. Move boxes.
Leave.

Everything goes like that,
everyone moves like that,
in the end.

Paint.
Buy it, brush it, let it dry.
Eat Pizza. Move furniture.
Begin.

You can’t hardly see,
the damage,
the place where something was once.

Reminders.
Photos and Letters.
Eat Pizza. Find a dumpster.
Discard.

Thus we change,
by avoidance and disguise,
from who we were,
to who we will be.

Everything goes like that,
everyone moves like that,
in the end.

Soundtrack to The End of the World

1. It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine) - R.E.M.
2. The Devil Went Down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels
3. We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel
4. It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine) - R.E.M.
5. Sugar, We're Going Down - Fall Out Boy
6. World on Fire - Sarah McLachlan
7. Waking up in Vegas - Katy Perry
8. Shake it Up - The Cars
9. Til the World Ends - Britney Spears
10. Ironic - Alanis Morissette
11. It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine) - R.E.M.

and

12. Me And Julio Down by the Schoolyard - Paul Simon

Enjoy it here if you have Spotify: Soundtrack to the End of the World
You can also add to it or tell me your additions, and I'll add them.

Robots for Everyone... or What I Did with My Lunch Break on a Thursday

Need I say more?

Always.

This is the IT helpline ring tone. It's such a happy diddy, and it turns out this song is on a real album, by a real girl (I mean of course she's a real girl), but... you know... How about a robot song for EVERYONE! http://www.alispagnola.com/music/music/robots-for-everyone/

Please don't come after us for copyright infringement. We love this song and so do our little robots!

Dollars spent on this production: .99 cents
Time spent shooting: 5 minutes
Time spent planning: 20 minutes (or less)
Time spent editing: 2 hours (if you include a prolonged period of me convincing myself the song would eventually sync with the video online --- nope) 1 hour (if not)

Installation Art... or... Fun with Cups and Mugs and a Spoon

When I woke up today, I had no idea this would happen.

Not only did my co-worker Danny discover a boatload of cups, he also made them into an installation art piece in the hallway at work.

We call it "Mugs on a Rail," or "Cups. Cups on a rail. Cups, for sale." Take your pick.

If I were to haiku it, it would go something like this:

Cups, cups on a rail

Myriad of cups for sale
Trip and that's the end

Thank you, and good afternoon. (Even if it's not afternoon).

How to write your life... The pondering of the webisodes

So, this whole blog began because one day I said, "My life is like a sitcom. We're going to drag this out for years." It rolled on from there, and then every time something funny happened we started saying, "Oh! That has to be in a webisode." Now, I'm faced with the question. Where do I start? How do you write a series that really isn't about anything? Okay, it was about something, but then it took an unexpected twist, and the story changed back to nothing. No, not nothing exactly. It's about life, and friendship, and the funny stuff that happens every day. You know, that stuff that makes you say, "Oh! That has to be in a webisode."

The webisodes will be from my perspective (Documentary GoPro style), but where to begin... I suppose you begin at the beginning. The beginning is funny in retrospect. I guess that's the part I just didn't see coming... or did I? As Carol Burnett said, "Comedy is tragedy plus time." Yes, I believe our story will begin at a duck pond.

These are some other topics we'll cover.

1. I Didn't See that Coming
2. The Two Punch
3. Moscow Mules
4. How to Tame Your Kitten
5. Wear a Dress Wednesday
6. Phantom Photographer

The end. Or is it the beginning?

Just to be clear... I don't like Jazz, or the smell of gasoline

10 Things Everyone Likes, but I don't (and that's okay).

In no particular order...

1.  Biking (no thank you)
2. Whiskey shots (tastes like destruction)
3. Snow (and all activities that take place in it)
4. Family Guy
5. Basketball
6. Jazz
7. Steak (though, I recently moved it up the scale to, "edible")
8. Twilight (don't get me started on that book, just don't)
9. Slippers
10. Watching random YouTube videos

I bet we all have a list like this, and some of it is probably so well hidden that people actually think you like some of the things on your list. I want to thank Gretchen Rubin who wrote The Happiness Project for telling me that you don't have to do things just because everyone else likes them and you think you're supposed to as well. Don't be rude about it, but let's face it, everyone isn't going to like everything.

I've tried these things, and I don't like them. I would rather spend my time with things I do enjoy, or things that I've been wanting to try. You have no idea how much happiness it will bring you to simply say, "No," to the jazz club, or the basketball game, or that second glass of beer.

Haiku Me -- Because I Can

These don't make much sense...

Silly little flower
With the polka-dotted chest
Flip-flop stands aghast

Red sky doomsday cloud
streaked with orange and grey
Smiling children play

Red jeep car door slam
Smells of gasoline and rest
Potato chips laugh

These are about my cats...

Sleepy striped face Finn
Pulls the stuffing from the couch
Moths laugh at lamp beams

Wide eyes follow me
My sweet little skip-a-roo
Wiffle balls are best

Perfection is here
My angel and bestest pal
Play ribbon right now!

And now I've written a few haikus.

That is all.

Here's a link about haikus that I found useful (and then chose to mostly ignore).
http://www.creative-writing-now.com/how-to-write-a-haiku.html#INV

Guilt Tripping Your Goals: Face-to-Face vs. FaceSpace

I set out 10 days ago to write a blog a day for 30 days. This only seemed possible, because I had three different blogs going. This one, one on genealogy (familyinatree.wordpress.com), and another reviewing old movies (youmayclap.wordpress.com). I've missed the past two nights. At first I felt guilty about that. I joined a blogging event, I set a goal, and I was going to complete it gosh darn it. I'd written for seven nights in a row, only to fail the task at hand after a week.

I no longer feel guilty about that, and this is why...

On Thursday night I had friends over for games, and spent a couple of hours afterwards snuggling and watching a show with my boyfriend. By the time I had time to write a blog it was midnight, and that's bedtime. The thought of firing up my computer, coming up with something to say, typing it up, and posting in enough time to get a good night's sleep seemed unlikely. Besides, whatever I'd have typed up at that point would've seemed thrown together, and completely unfair to you, my followers and me, myself.

On Friday night I drove an hour to have dinner and play board games with more friends, and by the time I got home it was well-past sleep time for a 7:30 a.m. crew call at work the next morning. There would be no blog tonight either.

Excuses, you say? Maybe. Hear me out, though.

How much time do we all spend everyday on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, blogs, etc. etc. and so forth so forth? How many of us have felt overwhelmed, fed up, or somewhat removed from this type of communication? Odds are almost all of us have thought about giving it up, or even managed to temporarily stay off of our most addictive site. Truth is, we probably can't, nor should we, completely give it up. Personally, I think of the people I would lose touch with if I called Facebook quits, and I'm not sure that the loss would be worth the gain. After all, it is a useful tool for talking to people who are out of state, country, or work opposite schedules from us. Ten years ago we would've just lost touch. Now, that's only an option if no one puts forth any effort at all. It's also a great networking tool, and I've met lots of awesome and talented people because of these sites. I believe the ultimate solution is not to give up social networking, but rather really taking the effort to add more (when did this become a phrase?) face-to-face interaction with your facebook (or other social networking site) friends.

My blogs are important. I love writing, and sharing my ideas, and hopefully one day creating some dialogues from them. I don't love them more than my friends and family though. The real tragedy would be to hear me say, "I'm sorry ____, I can't see you tonight. I have to write my blog." or "Sorry ___, I can't come over, I need to catch up on Facebook." Sadly, a year ago you might've heard me say the former.

The point?

I will never feel guilty about passing up an hour or two working on a short-term goal (or even a long-term one) for the people in my life. My blog is still here today, and I had a great new subject to write about, because of not writing. Don't get me wrong, goals are important. You can't goof around all of the time to the point where you never accomplish anything, but keep your priorities in balance. Schedule equal times towards your goals and your relationships, and slowly you'll start to find that happy balance between time with yourself and time with others.

So back to that Facebook dilemma.... I challenge you to find one of your Facebook friends who you haven't seen in awhile, and would genuinely like to catch up with in person. Then, get together with them. It can be anyone. Just make it someone you don't normally see, or someone who you work with, but never talk to outside of that space. Once you start adding more real friendships to your life, Facebook will no longer be your prime means of interacting with people, but a little bonus to what you already have, or even better just a means of organizing real phone, or in-person conversation.

Next time...
Haikus.
Good night everyone, and (in my best Edward R. Murrow voice), good luck.

Don't let it end like this... or... How tea quotes changed my life

Sometimes it's the little things that get you through the day. During the Summer and early fall (no pun intended) of 2011, it was tea bag quotes. It's really quite simple. You make tea. You read a quote. For those of you unfamiliar with Good Earth tea, they put quotes on the little pieces of paper at the end of the tea bag strings. Tea + Quote =  Ahhh.

Thus, morning, afternoon, and two hours before the work days end, I would often say to anyone who'd listen, "What will my tea say today?" Then, I'd read them the quote. Some of them were puzzling...

Some were mundane, and others were thought provoking...

One in particular, though, was the gem of the tea quote Nile. I didn't take a picture of it (for shame), but it still stares at me from my desk at work.

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."

These humorous and inspired words come from Francisco "Pancho" Villa. To me, it doesn't even matter when or why he said them.

In honor of MisterVilla, I've composed a short list of things I've said so far.

1. Eric. I'm a bad ass editor.
2. Thank you, and good afternoon.
3. I'm not a map reader.
4. No matter where you are, or where you've been, you'll never be right here again.
5. I have gum.

That's it. Those are my memorable quotes. I hope to up my game in the coming years. I simply can't let it end like this.

What have you said that you'll never forget? Try quoting yourself. It's not easy, but then memorializing yourself in a tea quote never is.

How to Bounce... Better (Getting over heart break, and getting back to you)

You might find better advice, but I doubt it.

---

If you're reading this, my guess is you're either a friend or family member who's just humored me by clicking a link, or you're someone who really needs to read what I have to say. I hope you need to read this, because I'm writing it for you. If you feel heartbroken, trapped, and alone with your pain, then read on. It's a list. Pick what you like, leave what you don't. Add to it if you wish.

I'm writing this, because you think you're alone, but you're not. Maybe in this very moment that's how it seems, because frankly that's how it seemed to me. I want you to know, though, that's the most powerful feeling you can possess. You've worn out your friends, and family -- you want to stop troubling them with your hurt, and now you're alone... figuring out what to do next. Guess what, now you can bounce back. Now you know what the bottom looks like, and that you don't want to be there any longer. It won't be easy. It won't be instant, but it will be the best thing you'll ever do for yourself... EVER! I speak from complete experience (with references, if you wish).

1. Make a happy playlist -- mine was titled "Musical Serotonin." Don't put ANY sad songs on the list. Don't put ANY songs about how he/she done did you wrong on the list. Only put songs that make you feel empowered. Skip Adele, she'll do you good later, but not now. When you find a song that makes you feel better. listen to it as many times as you want during the day. Live and breath the words to that song. When you feel low, repeat the lyrics in your head. Hold on tight to the hope that song gives you.

2. Get rid of the physical memories of the person who hurt you. Take everything they gave you, or anything that reminds you of them, and put it in a box. Stash it away where it's out of sight. If you feel comfortable getting rid of items now, then do. I recommend waiting, though, because you might put things in there that you'll regret getting rid of later. Also, if you keep it, then once you're feeling better, you'll get the added pleasure of taking all of those things and either throwing them away for good (then piling rotten food on top, before taking it to the dumpster) OR putting them back where they go (if they were yours in the first place -- a mail key, a DVD, a book, etc.).

3. Lean on your friends and family like they're your lifeline, but stop talking about your ex with them. Enjoy their company. Remember, they're the ones who love you anyway. Odds are that you've laughed, yelled, and cried with them over and over. Yet, they chose you again and again. Choose them, and forget the one who left you behind. They accept you, and love you for a reason. Let them remind you.

4. Do the things you love. Some advice books will tell you to try something new. I tried a few new things (club hopping, volunteering at a Habitat for Humanity retail store, etc.) and honestly they just made me feel empty. There's a time for new things, and there's a time for expanding upon the things you already love. Once I started watching old movies, writing, and hiking, I started to find myself again. The time to create a new and improved self will come. Right now, you just need to find something to remind you that you're still there. Do something old, but in a new way. You'll enjoy it, and still get that challenge of conquering something that's all your own.

5. Get sunshine. This is really important. I read somewhere that you should get 40 minutes of sunshine a day to boost your serotonin levels, and even to produce the proper amount of melatonin for sleeping. Start the day with a 15-20 minute walk. It not only wipes away the sleep, but it give you an instant happiness boost. Trust me, after a few days of doing this, you'll crave that sunshine like a drug. Enjoy that time in the sun before you tackle the rest of your day.

6. At the start of a new month, make a resolution to pick something each day that you're thankful for. Post it to your facebook, twitter, or blog pages, or keep it in a journal. Think big and small, but never include your ex. By the end of that month, you'll see so many wonderful things in your life (some that you've probably taken for granted) that you'll realize there's a lot more to you than that one person who's gone.

7. Stop eating junk. I know it's hard. Is there really any greater comfort than ice cream or chocolate? Well, maybe cheeseburgers and beer. Stop. Try to eat healthy for a week. Focus on getting enough lean protein (turkey is a happiness booster), fruit, vegetables, and water. You'll start feeling better, and feeling better about yourself at the same time. It'll probably stick, because you'll feel so much better.

8. Read advice books. You might find a few useful tips, but mostly they'll make you laugh. One book told me to go buy a river rock and keep it in a pouch in my purse. I guess I was supposed to rub it when I felt sad, or stressed. I could even add a scent to it. I wanted that river rock, because it was funny -- period. In case you're wondering, I never got one.

9. Try to laugh. Find a funny friend, and make sure to see or talk to them often. Odds are you'll have their humor to hang on to long into those strange alone hours. I had less luck with funny shows and books, but that's because I had trouble focusing during my lowest low. You might have better luck. A funny pet, though, is a gem as well! Laugh with your pet, because like your friends and family, they still love you, and want to see you laughing.

10. This is the hardest task of all, but the only way you'll ever feel at peace is to forgive yourself. I was hung up on forgiving HIM. I was even certain I had. I just couldn't forgive me. One day, I realized I had it wrong. I didn't have to forgive him. He wasn't part of my life anymore. Myself, however, well I was stuck with me. Finding a way to really look at yourself, knowing that you messed up and that you HAVE to do better, well... that's the greatest gift you can ever give to yourself and those you love. Take what you've learned from this, pick up the pieces of you, and move forward with the knowledge that this will not happen again. Not like this, anyway. Forgive yourself, because once you do you'll suddenly start to see YOU in the mirror again, and realize that every single day there's something awesome around the corner...

Something you never even saw coming.

---

In my next entry (which really will follow soon) I'm going to completely change the tone. I absolutely needed to share my advice, but the time for revisiting one of the worst times of my life has past. What lies before me now is a life of contentment -- not perfection, not a lack of struggle, but peace. I have what every girl wants --- friends, family, a boyfriend, a great job, hobbies, and something that's hard to pin down -- it's a kind of inner piece that can only be found after complete destruction. It's a happiness that emanates from within; an honesty. It will come across in all blogs from this point forward.

The Catalyst

When someone seeks to destroy you, there are two options; you either let them, OR you take everything they have no control over and say, "Oh HELL no!" Now repeat it out loud slowly (you think I'm kidding), "Oh...HELL... no!" You say it, you believe it, and then one day you look at life completely different. You look at everything good as though it's golden, you smile and laugh more freely, and give more genuinely. The best way to stop someone from destroying you, is so simple that it takes a while to really grasp...

---

It's a rough thing getting your heart beaten to a pulp; bits of it mashed against every wall you look at; lurking on every computer screen, in every song, on every TV, and even in the faces of those closest to you. How do you conquer those evil bits of what's left? How do you bounce back from the beating? I'd long-assumed I wasn't the type of person to let someone knock me out so completely. I never knew what rock bottom looked like, until suddenly I was THAT girl. I was Adele rolling in the deep, and it was an ugly, lifeless, empty place. It's a place completely beyond understanding until suddenly there you are. I'd skipped through 29 years without ever enduring such complete, and seemingly endless suffering. Surely I'd had my heart broken before. Surely, this was not the man to break me. Yet, there I was... staring into space, crying into my coffee, and hoping that one day I would say the one thing that would bring him back.

I'm embarassed to speak of that time. I had self help books for bageezies! That said, somewhere in the middle of the mess, I realized how many others must've been through this; how all I needed was someone to reach out to who had not only been there, but had bounced back... with force. My greatest comfort became looking into the faces of strangers, and imagining their stories. What pain had they endured? I clung to the personal histories of acquaintances who had rebounded from nightmares, and I said to myself: "How did they get to a place where they're seemingly okay? What did they do? If they can carry on, so can I." Slowly, I went from walking dead, to a flicker of my former self, then finally after months of living only half a life I became the one thing I'd unknowingly lost sight of years earlier... After this disaster, cheesy as it may sound, I re-found... me.

In the past several years, I've seen my brain scanned, been tortured by mystery stomach pain, had my car mashed twice during a 32-car pile up, spun multiple times on the highway, and witnessed more life and death than I care to share while working at a news station. Nothing inspired me to start fresh, though I thought it would've, until this. This seemingly ordinary broken heart that forced me to re-examine everything that had ever been, everything that was, everything I'd done right, wrong, or indifferently. I looked at it all, and then... one day I woke up free, better, happy...

I didn't see that coming.

---

In my next post I'll share the absolute BEST advice I found about how to recover. Most of the things I read were crap, some were ridiculous, and then there were the absolute gems. I'm a list girl, and so that's where I'll start. Lists, by the way, will be a common part of my blog. Also, after the next few posts, I hope for things to get much, much funnier. But, all things start somewhere, and this dear readers, is where I choose to begin... This will be a blog about a life, but right now it's a story of how I looked destruction in the face and said, "Oh HELL no!"