After much delay, I'm writing my first poetry class poem. Its supposed to use two instances of irony. I think I did, but... Let me know your thoughts.
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Senseless
(an example of irony)
Listen, don’t you hear the silence?
It’s biting at saltines, nipping at your senses
like a train screaming “Stop!” three times
in succession, just in case
you don’t hear it
Credible witnesses lie about the truth,
it’s malleable,
sugar-coated, candy corn, conversation hearts,
liquefied to goo,
sacrificed and beautifully reformed.
Who cares about the truth?
It’s biting at saltines, nipping at your senses
like a train screaming “Stop!” three times
in succession, just in case
you don’t hear it
Credible witnesses lie about the truth,
it’s malleable,
sugar-coated, candy corn, conversation hearts,
liquefied to goo,
sacrificed and beautifully reformed.
Who cares about the truth?
New stone shoes sink without effort,
babbling soothsayer quieted,
flushed out,
shush, don’t you hear it?
The rancid sniff of defeat, mixed with nutmeg,
and burnt instant coffee, makes you gag
Scream,
spit out the slime, shun the mask,
breathe,
listen, don’t you hear it?
Thomp, thomp, thomp,
bubbles pull the stone soldier upward,
rocket-bound for greener waters,
listen
babbling soothsayer quieted,
flushed out,
shush, don’t you hear it?
The rancid sniff of defeat, mixed with nutmeg,
and burnt instant coffee, makes you gag
Scream,
spit out the slime, shun the mask,
breathe,
listen, don’t you hear it?
Thomp, thomp, thomp,
bubbles pull the stone soldier upward,
rocket-bound for greener waters,
listen
We never grow as writers when blowing sunshine up each other’s hind sides. Brutal mental honesty only brings better fruit to bare. For me you had it in the first line. Silence is the absence of sound. Silence is something we experience not listen to. To me this contradiction of listening to silence was in and of itself kind of ironic. It was deliberate yet unexpected. Same with the nipping screams and the credible liar. Then there was the blatant irony. A weighted wo/man becomes shallow in depth. Something we would never expect with their new kicks on. Honestly the whole situation felt without purpose. Who was this person and why should I care that this is happening to them? Floating to the top emphasizes what? Don’t sacrifice “being” poetic for “sounding” poetic.
ReplyDeleteI immediately latched onto and enjoyed your style of Iambic pentameter. As I am a huge fan assonance and consonance I enjoyed the evident attempts. In some places I felt there was room for more but this is my taste. At one juncture the consonance sounded outright forced, moreover ugly (“c,c,c…”). Once again, reflections of my personal taste and ear. Overall it was slightly too abstract to be entirely cohesive, which often as poetry goes. Your potential is alive and present. You can do better.
-Jamie De Caria