Sit, or Stand, and Don't Hit the Snooze Button

We make a decision every single moment. Send/Delete. Ask/Don't ask. Walk/Don't walk. Speak/Remain silent. Eat the cake/Don't eat the cake. Taste test arugula/Don't taste test arugula. Go for one more monkey lap/Wimp out. Sit, or stand, but don't wobble.

Here's my general morning rundown: "Should I hit snooze? What will I risk if I do, or don't? I'm too tired to think about this."

*Button press

"Oh crap, I shouldn't have hit snooze!"

"What should I wear? Is it Wednesday? Do I have something happening today, in which I should look fancy... fancier... some what more presentable than a day in which I sit in a room by myself? Is it Friday? Sure, this'll do."

"Should I feed the animals, or make my coffee first? Should I drink this coffee, or wait a few minutes so it doesn't sear my tongue? Should I water the plants? Is it going to rain? Do I have time to check the weather? I shouldn't be checking Facebook now. I opened this stupid device to check the weather. Okay, great it's going to rain. Should I close the window? Should I have picked a long sleeve shirt? What if the forecast is wrong? Crap! This outfit doesn't match at all now. Hair up? Hair down? I have to go. Keys? Check."

"Wait, I forgot to feed the cats. Did I lock the door? Also, my coffee is still on the counter, so... I guess I have time to turn around. Plus, this long sleeve shirt is really hot, and I should probably change. What will happen if I'm late? Forget it."

*Turn around.

These decisions are small, menial, insignificant, and as long as in some randomized order coffee is made, cats are fed, snooze is averted (enough), clothes are on, plants are moisturized, and at some point resembling "on time" I'm on the road, all is well -- easy peasy.

In this case, there's time to sit, stand, and even wobble.

Generally, we find more of a gray space in decision making, though, don't we? It's a bit blurrier when something is actually at stake; it's tougher. The order matters. The results differ. The cause and effect can quickly spiral into something unintentional. Signals may get picked up by the wrong pigeon, and misdelivered. Fear of choosing the doom door freezes us to our seat, and we can't stand. When we do, we start to pace. It's really weird in the gray area.

I imagine it looks something like neurons firing in every direction at once, madly scouring for that perfect moment from the past where the answer sits, waiting. There has to be something back there -- a red alert, a breaking news light, a talking raven, an episode of Ed, a shred of evidence, a regretful misstep, or a success story --  to glean information from, interpret, and send back in the form of an action plan. This,"Ah-ha," this "voila!" is what, in the end flips the switch from black to white, so that with confidence you can say, "Because of this or that, this is the solution... or that."

It turns out the gray area is not gray at all. It's actually wild with color. It's every color all at once. It's paint splatter, and alphabet soup, and gasoline, and sparklers, and sprinklers hitting you in the face. That's why you can only stay in it for so long, right? It's too wacky in there; it's too intense. It's like a rave (or so, I imagine). It's like Animaniacs dancing in your brain wacking you with TNT hammers.

Don't linger in the gray area. Sit, or stand. Don't wobble.

The thing about making a decision is you actually don't know if you made the right one until it's already done. You just have to make the best call you can at the time; pull the cord, jump, cross your fingers, and hope. If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. The answer is already there. The question, is the answer. Pick a path, any path. Choose your own adventure. Catch a train. Pop the bubble wrap. Do something... anything!

In 1999 I had a big mental drama about where to go to college -- stay close, or go far away. Study film? Study zoology? I pro/conned. I wrote an entire essay about "change" for a class assignment. (I'd like to dig that up). I asked everyone what I should do. Then, I left it to fate. I applied wherever I felt like, and I waited. In retrospect, I should've applied to more film schools. That's hindsight for you, sneaking up and poking you for being so dense. I digress.That's a completely different story.

Ultimately, I went to DU. I stayed close, and I studied film. The first couple of months were awful. I was certain it was a mistake. I'm a stickler for sticking it out, though, so I sat. I sat, and then one night I stood up and went out with some kids from class, and at the end of that quarter, I had two new friends. Two new friends, who still stand at my side 15 years later. (Okay, okay... so I already knew John from week one, but that's my Katy story, and I'm sticking to it). We met a soon-to-be college student a few weeks ago, who upon hearing how long we've been friends said, "Wow! I hope that happens to me." I hope it does.

I hope you all sit, until you can stand. I hope you pick a path, any path, and walk down it. Run, if you want. Do whatever you want really. Reach up and touch the leaves on the trees, look up at the clouds, jump over the sidewalk cracks, blast Paul Oakenfold's "Starry Eyed Surprise," and bob your head. No one is watching you. No one else is there. This is your path.

In the year 2000 I didn't know if I'd made the right decision, but I'd made one. I pulled the cord, and jumped, and in 2015, I wouldn't trade that decision for anything in the world. If Northwestern had said, "Okay!" I would've boarded a plane for Chicago. I would probably be sitting in an L.A. diner with one of my NHSI buddies, or maybe we would have lost touch during year one. There would be no Katy. There would be no John. There would be no Cindy. There would be no Ben. There would be no... Holy crap! I can't even go on with this, because it starts to get all Twilight Zone-esque.

*Exit the wormhole

The point is, we don't know. We don't know, and it doesn't matter. Whatever happened, happened. Whatever didn't happen, didn't. That's the way it works. You make a choice. You take the path. You listen to the universe if it talks to you. You listen to yourself if it doesn't.

There's not much time to waste in the gray area. There's no wobble. It's black and white. You make the best choice you can possibly make at the time, and then you jump. Type/Delete. Ask/Don't ask. Walk/Don't walk. Speak/Remain silent. Eat the cake/Don't eat the cake. Taste test arugula/Don't taste test arugula. Go for one more monkey lap/Wimp out. Sit, or stand.

Seriously, though... I shouldn't have hit snooze!

Dear Facebook: What I Eat Doesn't Affect You

I originally posted this on Tumblr, quickly and in a rage. Then, I lengthened it, and figured I'd post it here on my random topic blog as well.

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DEAR FACEBOOK: WHAT I EAT DOESN’T AFFECT YOU.

I have a friend who avoids pepperoni, another who gets terrified of sugar. My boyfriend and my best friend can’t tolerate dairy. I have acquaintances that are pissed off about GMOs, meat, and some that can’t eat corn. My body has an apparent dislike for gluten — though my taste buds may argue.

Until you have unexplainable and excruciating pain (I likened it to an alien child growing inside me), you may not know what it’s like to be poked and prodded by doctors with no clear answer except, “Yep. There’s some swelling and irritation.” With stomach pain it’s often a process of elimination — dairy, gluten, corn, soy, caffeine, etc. At the end of that elimination round a doctor may say, “We’re still developing tests to diagnose certain food sensitivities and allergies, but if you feel better without it I recommend not eating it.”

This is not a fun answer, and I personally decided to disobey the ruling for a while, but you know what… The pain started to come back! Over two years ago, I opted to stay gluten free for my own body, and guess what… No pain, no bloated belly (which I’d had most of my life, mind you), much rarer heartburn, and we won’t even talk bowels. Is it gluten or something we’ve chemically added to our food supply? Is it that being gluten free forces you to eat more from other healthy food groups — fruits, vegetables, dairy? Is it that certain grains just agitate other stomach or bowel conditions? Guess what? There are a ton of scientists and doctors working on that.

Going gluten free is not fun. I’ve learned not to complain, because really, what good does that do? But, do you assume I enjoy buying frozen bread with half the flavor as your delicious multi-grain oat bread? Do you think I like paying a dollar extra to get a hamburger bun or pizza that isn’t as flavorful as yours? Let’s not even mention what it’s like to be at parties and meetings where everyone else gets to enjoy a giant cookie or a piece of cake, while I nibble on berries and carrots. Get real! 

That said, gluten free brownies are amazing, and we finally found a pizza crust mix that rocks! In fact, there are many products at this point that are comparable… and you know what? That’s because there are people who need them. My brother’s girlfriend has full-on celiac, and you ought to have seen her eyes light up when I found gluten free fig newtons! Explain to me why having these products is a bad thing? How is seeing a gluten free menu or gluten free product in the store hurting you? 

I do not go on long rampages about diet soda, or soy products? I don’t scoff at egg-free or dairy-free products, and the fact is whether you “believe” in gluten allergies and intolerances or not, there are people with celiac who are rejoicing at being able to eat out, and enjoy foods that were otherwise unavailable to them. The fact is, some people do see major stomach, bowel, skin, and other conditions disappear or minimize when they remove gluten from their diet.

Do you know its celiac awareness month? Do you? Do you not find it questionable that certain “research” is appearing this month? Personally, I find it rude, and contrived.

Bottom line: What I eat or do not eat in no way affects most of you — sometimes my boyfriend, sometimes my family, and rarely, my friends. But, guess what? They don’t care! If you do not have a particular stomach problem I suggest you just go about minding what you yourself choose to eat or not eat, and leave me and my doctors to decide what I eat.

Thank you, and good afternoon.

Challenge 2: February - A Poem a Day #3

Feb. 6, 2013

society,
and technology
have asked us to be,
proficient at all
master of none

the sphinxlike "they"
say we must know this,
but also that,
and to know this is no longer
enough

magnanimous
advice from the wise

trudging forward
at some point
we realize
that society,
with it's master proficiencies
has taken away
our speciality,
originality,
ability to decide
that

this, is enough

Just to be clear... I don't like Jazz, or the smell of gasoline

10 Things Everyone Likes, but I don't (and that's okay).

In no particular order...

1.  Biking (no thank you)
2. Whiskey shots (tastes like destruction)
3. Snow (and all activities that take place in it)
4. Family Guy
5. Basketball
6. Jazz
7. Steak (though, I recently moved it up the scale to, "edible")
8. Twilight (don't get me started on that book, just don't)
9. Slippers
10. Watching random YouTube videos

I bet we all have a list like this, and some of it is probably so well hidden that people actually think you like some of the things on your list. I want to thank Gretchen Rubin who wrote The Happiness Project for telling me that you don't have to do things just because everyone else likes them and you think you're supposed to as well. Don't be rude about it, but let's face it, everyone isn't going to like everything.

I've tried these things, and I don't like them. I would rather spend my time with things I do enjoy, or things that I've been wanting to try. You have no idea how much happiness it will bring you to simply say, "No," to the jazz club, or the basketball game, or that second glass of beer.

Guilt Tripping Your Goals: Face-to-Face vs. FaceSpace

I set out 10 days ago to write a blog a day for 30 days. This only seemed possible, because I had three different blogs going. This one, one on genealogy (familyinatree.wordpress.com), and another reviewing old movies (youmayclap.wordpress.com). I've missed the past two nights. At first I felt guilty about that. I joined a blogging event, I set a goal, and I was going to complete it gosh darn it. I'd written for seven nights in a row, only to fail the task at hand after a week.

I no longer feel guilty about that, and this is why...

On Thursday night I had friends over for games, and spent a couple of hours afterwards snuggling and watching a show with my boyfriend. By the time I had time to write a blog it was midnight, and that's bedtime. The thought of firing up my computer, coming up with something to say, typing it up, and posting in enough time to get a good night's sleep seemed unlikely. Besides, whatever I'd have typed up at that point would've seemed thrown together, and completely unfair to you, my followers and me, myself.

On Friday night I drove an hour to have dinner and play board games with more friends, and by the time I got home it was well-past sleep time for a 7:30 a.m. crew call at work the next morning. There would be no blog tonight either.

Excuses, you say? Maybe. Hear me out, though.

How much time do we all spend everyday on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, blogs, etc. etc. and so forth so forth? How many of us have felt overwhelmed, fed up, or somewhat removed from this type of communication? Odds are almost all of us have thought about giving it up, or even managed to temporarily stay off of our most addictive site. Truth is, we probably can't, nor should we, completely give it up. Personally, I think of the people I would lose touch with if I called Facebook quits, and I'm not sure that the loss would be worth the gain. After all, it is a useful tool for talking to people who are out of state, country, or work opposite schedules from us. Ten years ago we would've just lost touch. Now, that's only an option if no one puts forth any effort at all. It's also a great networking tool, and I've met lots of awesome and talented people because of these sites. I believe the ultimate solution is not to give up social networking, but rather really taking the effort to add more (when did this become a phrase?) face-to-face interaction with your facebook (or other social networking site) friends.

My blogs are important. I love writing, and sharing my ideas, and hopefully one day creating some dialogues from them. I don't love them more than my friends and family though. The real tragedy would be to hear me say, "I'm sorry ____, I can't see you tonight. I have to write my blog." or "Sorry ___, I can't come over, I need to catch up on Facebook." Sadly, a year ago you might've heard me say the former.

The point?

I will never feel guilty about passing up an hour or two working on a short-term goal (or even a long-term one) for the people in my life. My blog is still here today, and I had a great new subject to write about, because of not writing. Don't get me wrong, goals are important. You can't goof around all of the time to the point where you never accomplish anything, but keep your priorities in balance. Schedule equal times towards your goals and your relationships, and slowly you'll start to find that happy balance between time with yourself and time with others.

So back to that Facebook dilemma.... I challenge you to find one of your Facebook friends who you haven't seen in awhile, and would genuinely like to catch up with in person. Then, get together with them. It can be anyone. Just make it someone you don't normally see, or someone who you work with, but never talk to outside of that space. Once you start adding more real friendships to your life, Facebook will no longer be your prime means of interacting with people, but a little bonus to what you already have, or even better just a means of organizing real phone, or in-person conversation.

Next time...
Haikus.
Good night everyone, and (in my best Edward R. Murrow voice), good luck.

Don't let it end like this... or... How tea quotes changed my life

Sometimes it's the little things that get you through the day. During the Summer and early fall (no pun intended) of 2011, it was tea bag quotes. It's really quite simple. You make tea. You read a quote. For those of you unfamiliar with Good Earth tea, they put quotes on the little pieces of paper at the end of the tea bag strings. Tea + Quote =  Ahhh.

Thus, morning, afternoon, and two hours before the work days end, I would often say to anyone who'd listen, "What will my tea say today?" Then, I'd read them the quote. Some of them were puzzling...

Some were mundane, and others were thought provoking...

One in particular, though, was the gem of the tea quote Nile. I didn't take a picture of it (for shame), but it still stares at me from my desk at work.

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."

These humorous and inspired words come from Francisco "Pancho" Villa. To me, it doesn't even matter when or why he said them.

In honor of MisterVilla, I've composed a short list of things I've said so far.

1. Eric. I'm a bad ass editor.
2. Thank you, and good afternoon.
3. I'm not a map reader.
4. No matter where you are, or where you've been, you'll never be right here again.
5. I have gum.

That's it. Those are my memorable quotes. I hope to up my game in the coming years. I simply can't let it end like this.

What have you said that you'll never forget? Try quoting yourself. It's not easy, but then memorializing yourself in a tea quote never is.

How to Bounce... Better (Getting over heart break, and getting back to you)

You might find better advice, but I doubt it.

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If you're reading this, my guess is you're either a friend or family member who's just humored me by clicking a link, or you're someone who really needs to read what I have to say. I hope you need to read this, because I'm writing it for you. If you feel heartbroken, trapped, and alone with your pain, then read on. It's a list. Pick what you like, leave what you don't. Add to it if you wish.

I'm writing this, because you think you're alone, but you're not. Maybe in this very moment that's how it seems, because frankly that's how it seemed to me. I want you to know, though, that's the most powerful feeling you can possess. You've worn out your friends, and family -- you want to stop troubling them with your hurt, and now you're alone... figuring out what to do next. Guess what, now you can bounce back. Now you know what the bottom looks like, and that you don't want to be there any longer. It won't be easy. It won't be instant, but it will be the best thing you'll ever do for yourself... EVER! I speak from complete experience (with references, if you wish).

1. Make a happy playlist -- mine was titled "Musical Serotonin." Don't put ANY sad songs on the list. Don't put ANY songs about how he/she done did you wrong on the list. Only put songs that make you feel empowered. Skip Adele, she'll do you good later, but not now. When you find a song that makes you feel better. listen to it as many times as you want during the day. Live and breath the words to that song. When you feel low, repeat the lyrics in your head. Hold on tight to the hope that song gives you.

2. Get rid of the physical memories of the person who hurt you. Take everything they gave you, or anything that reminds you of them, and put it in a box. Stash it away where it's out of sight. If you feel comfortable getting rid of items now, then do. I recommend waiting, though, because you might put things in there that you'll regret getting rid of later. Also, if you keep it, then once you're feeling better, you'll get the added pleasure of taking all of those things and either throwing them away for good (then piling rotten food on top, before taking it to the dumpster) OR putting them back where they go (if they were yours in the first place -- a mail key, a DVD, a book, etc.).

3. Lean on your friends and family like they're your lifeline, but stop talking about your ex with them. Enjoy their company. Remember, they're the ones who love you anyway. Odds are that you've laughed, yelled, and cried with them over and over. Yet, they chose you again and again. Choose them, and forget the one who left you behind. They accept you, and love you for a reason. Let them remind you.

4. Do the things you love. Some advice books will tell you to try something new. I tried a few new things (club hopping, volunteering at a Habitat for Humanity retail store, etc.) and honestly they just made me feel empty. There's a time for new things, and there's a time for expanding upon the things you already love. Once I started watching old movies, writing, and hiking, I started to find myself again. The time to create a new and improved self will come. Right now, you just need to find something to remind you that you're still there. Do something old, but in a new way. You'll enjoy it, and still get that challenge of conquering something that's all your own.

5. Get sunshine. This is really important. I read somewhere that you should get 40 minutes of sunshine a day to boost your serotonin levels, and even to produce the proper amount of melatonin for sleeping. Start the day with a 15-20 minute walk. It not only wipes away the sleep, but it give you an instant happiness boost. Trust me, after a few days of doing this, you'll crave that sunshine like a drug. Enjoy that time in the sun before you tackle the rest of your day.

6. At the start of a new month, make a resolution to pick something each day that you're thankful for. Post it to your facebook, twitter, or blog pages, or keep it in a journal. Think big and small, but never include your ex. By the end of that month, you'll see so many wonderful things in your life (some that you've probably taken for granted) that you'll realize there's a lot more to you than that one person who's gone.

7. Stop eating junk. I know it's hard. Is there really any greater comfort than ice cream or chocolate? Well, maybe cheeseburgers and beer. Stop. Try to eat healthy for a week. Focus on getting enough lean protein (turkey is a happiness booster), fruit, vegetables, and water. You'll start feeling better, and feeling better about yourself at the same time. It'll probably stick, because you'll feel so much better.

8. Read advice books. You might find a few useful tips, but mostly they'll make you laugh. One book told me to go buy a river rock and keep it in a pouch in my purse. I guess I was supposed to rub it when I felt sad, or stressed. I could even add a scent to it. I wanted that river rock, because it was funny -- period. In case you're wondering, I never got one.

9. Try to laugh. Find a funny friend, and make sure to see or talk to them often. Odds are you'll have their humor to hang on to long into those strange alone hours. I had less luck with funny shows and books, but that's because I had trouble focusing during my lowest low. You might have better luck. A funny pet, though, is a gem as well! Laugh with your pet, because like your friends and family, they still love you, and want to see you laughing.

10. This is the hardest task of all, but the only way you'll ever feel at peace is to forgive yourself. I was hung up on forgiving HIM. I was even certain I had. I just couldn't forgive me. One day, I realized I had it wrong. I didn't have to forgive him. He wasn't part of my life anymore. Myself, however, well I was stuck with me. Finding a way to really look at yourself, knowing that you messed up and that you HAVE to do better, well... that's the greatest gift you can ever give to yourself and those you love. Take what you've learned from this, pick up the pieces of you, and move forward with the knowledge that this will not happen again. Not like this, anyway. Forgive yourself, because once you do you'll suddenly start to see YOU in the mirror again, and realize that every single day there's something awesome around the corner...

Something you never even saw coming.

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In my next entry (which really will follow soon) I'm going to completely change the tone. I absolutely needed to share my advice, but the time for revisiting one of the worst times of my life has past. What lies before me now is a life of contentment -- not perfection, not a lack of struggle, but peace. I have what every girl wants --- friends, family, a boyfriend, a great job, hobbies, and something that's hard to pin down -- it's a kind of inner piece that can only be found after complete destruction. It's a happiness that emanates from within; an honesty. It will come across in all blogs from this point forward.